Happy 3rd Birthday, Private Practice!
As I enter into my 3rd year in my private practice journey, it’s still wild to me that I’m here and started this all while still in my 30’s. Just 5 years ago I didn’t even have this as a plan on my radar, not this soon at least. 5 years ago we took a leap of faith with my husband’s job and I quit mine. We sold our beautiful home (yup, didn’t see that global pandemic coming down the pipeline shortly after!) and we uprooted our lives from Upstate New York to Bucks County, Pennsylvania. We had a toddler and dog in tow, with a baby on the way. I had no idea what my next move was going to be, but I knew the amount of stress I was holding from my job in NY was just not sustainable. I knew in my gut I could never return to another agency/hospital job again. I loved my clients, but I was never going to thrive in a toxic environment where systems were designed to oppress even the helpers.
Fast forward to current day and I’m still working part time seeing clients while I full time raise my babies - who are not actually babies anymore! There’s been a lot of uncertainty over the years exactly where we might settle, and being able to work virtually has allowed me so many freedoms. The great part is, that my clients also benefit from these freedoms as well! Whether it’s a late evening or ridiculously early morning session, or being able to squeeze a session in mid work day, it feels like such a win-win. I never thought I’d ever have interest in going fully virtual, but shocking to me, the connections still feel the same as in person. And it’s such a gift I get to work with clients who align with my values and location isn’t a barrier.
Sometimes I wonder if there will always be a low level of stress around wanting to sustain and be successful at the ongoing, ever-changing work-life balance, but overall there has been so much more ease in my system and in my life. Never could I ever have imagined that I’d have 4 significant losses over the past 5 years, in the midst of a pandemic, and trying to grow a private practice. My high highs have come sandwiched between my low lows. There were moments I just wanted to work more and more and more and as I’ve healed, I’ve come to embrace the slowness at which I build. I finally have more capacity to enjoy my children and I’m leaning into that more than ever, as one goes off to full-time school and the other has 2 more years of half days before she joins her big brother.
I’ve really learned a lot in the slow build. I’ve struggled with marketing and information overload that’s out there in starting up your own business. But I’ve realized that when I was trying to rush forward frustrated, the slowness was pulling me back to keep me grounded.
I remember this moment when ‘Threads’ came on the scene and I thought ‘omg another social media thing?!’ I had a moment of, ‘do I buy into all of this?’ I had such a physical resistance to the idea of doing all the social media things. I’ve always had a love for Instagram, so it was an easy choice to be on there and have an outlet for creativity and playing around with putting things out into the universe as I figure all this out.
But that resistance to doing more really helped me hone in on where I wanted to put my energy and focus. I decided last year I would focus on blogs and trying to connect with others by creating an email list. I was really excited to finally have a focus, and then my dog got sick and needed my focus before he died. And then my MIL got sick, and she needed my focus before she died. My family needed my focus and I just couldn’t do all the algorithms and the marketing and the networking and all the things. It’s taken me longer in this space and sometimes I feel so behind.
Then I think about how strong my relationships are with my kids, how much we’ve all been through these past few years, all the grief. I think about those friends I get to check in on and stay connected to and carve out space for with my presence. I think about everyone I’ve held, emotionally and physically, in their suffering, in their last breaths on this Earth. And I realize, that overall in my life, I’m so much further ahead than I ever could have dreamed I’d be. What a gift to redefine success, to recognize when I’m in it, to embody it, and to celebrate it without rushing off to the next new shiny thing. What a gift to have all this time to play around and establish my boundaries in my professional life, so I can do this work I’m so passionate about while also prioritizing my family and their needs. What a gift to not have to sacrifice my nervous system, my health, my emotional well being for some shit job anymore. What a gift to just be able to do what I love and release all the bullshit.
Someone once asked me why give thought to change and pay attention to how they feel, if they can’t even see what the end goal will be? My response was this: “Your awareness that your life is unsustainable is what will allow you to make small choices in moving forward, towards a life you truly value, where you truly embody everything you say you value but don’t actually have time for. The end goal? That’s what you get to figure out along the way, but first you need to head in the right direction.” I never could have seen this goal for myself at this age, but I kept making choices that were aligned with who I am, who I want to be moving forward, and if a choice or a thought made me physically cringe - I listened and I pivoted.
It’s such an honor to do what I do, and to do it on my own terms is beyond incredible. I still cannot believe I get to do what I do. So here’s to me getting back on track with my plans to continue blogging and also strengthening connections with other therapists who share similar values. There feels like there’s a lot of heart and community in that, and I’m excited (and a little nervous) to see where that might take me in my painfully slow, yet flourishing, private practice journey. I’m sure there will be pivoting along the way, but I’m always so proud to say, I did it my way. Thank you for being here.
