Part 2: This Shame I Carry Is Not Mine
There seems to be a fairly similar trajectory of how the ‘shame spiral’ begins. As an adult, an example may look like this: Someone gets mad and starts screaming at you; you feel hurt, confused, and offended by how rude they are being towards you, but then you start to think, “Why did they get mad at me? Did I do something wrong? I must have done something wrong for them to react that way. What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t have set them off. Gosh, I’m always doing this. I can never do anything right.”
There’s something really important here y’all, and I want to break it down. No, like really, we’re going to break this WHOLE scenario down, so we can see how this all played out in the matter of a few minutes.
The initial situation describes someone getting mad and then screaming at you. At this point it’s what I refer to as an external event. Someone is not in control of themselves and lashing out. It’s an external event because it’s out of your control and happening to you.
Next, you actually have the genuine feelings. You’re hurt, confused, and offended by how rude this person is being towards you. It isn’t making any sense to you. You also know that screaming at someone is not an appropriate way to talk to someone.
But next is when you start to pivot off course from your authentic reactions, to this external event. (You know, the completely authentic emotions that pop up organically in response to a situation, before you override them.) Here’s where the ‘external’ starts to get internalized. You start reaching for justifications. You begin to ruminate what just happened. You start to think, “I must have done something wrong and deserved this.”
If we rewind the tape, this situation was not your fault, the response you were given was completely UNjustified, and shows a clear image of how dysregulated that person was to communicate in such a harsh tone. The feelings you had initially were appropriate and matched the situation. You had every right to feel that.
The feelings you had were valid. They were always valid.
On the surface, these patterns can look empathetic - like you’re just trying to understand someone else’s point of view. But, ongoing, repeated patterning of these can lead to feelings of shame and a huge worthiness wound. If this feels like a relatable pattern for you, it’s important to take a look at where that originates. Does it feel new? Is it a way you’ve responded for so long that you can’t even trace it back to where it began?
Certainly there can be social and professional experiences that influence shame, and often the root exists in childhood. I’m not trying to sound cliche here as a therapist and linking it all back to childhood, but majority of the time, it’s what comes up. The reason is that a child’s brain is so different than an adult’s brain. The lack of development in a young child or teen means that coping with confusing or difficult things alone will lead it to come up with the best solutions possible for whatever age it’s at.
So, what’s more important than anything in the whole world to a small child? Staying attached and loved by their parents or caregivers. If that attachment feels threatened, a child learns to compromise their authentic self in order to stay in connection, to be loved. Even when a family situation is unsafe, it is too much for a child brain to bear the reality that the person in charge of taking care of them is unsafe, so the imagination begins to conjure up a new narrative, that it must be them that’s the problem. Attachment is a powerful anchor. There’s tons of research around attachment, brain development, and all these processes I’m describing. Honestly, you don’t need to look that far to know truth though. My guess is if you don’t directly relate to this, you at least know someone who has a strained relationship with a parent. And how difficult that process is to feel as if you could ever fully let go.
It’s complicated when a parent doesn’t provide a secure attachment. If you’re just starting out with giving your origins of shame more thought, or trying to fill in the gaps between things you already know, I hope this helped shine some insight into this really complex topic. I mentioned a quote in Part 1 of this blog, that I want to mention again.
“Self blame is a direct link to childhood logic.” ~Jim Knipe
The youngest version of yourself who took on all the blame, deserves a whole lot of love for sacrificing who they were in order to appease others. You thought you were doing the best you could, with the relationships and circumstances you were given. The good news? Knowledge is power. Once you understand these patterns, you can become empowered to step into your own, and live life more authentically. It’s never too late to try and welcome ease into your life.
This work is often emotional and layered. It’s always incredibly important that before you go jumping down rabbit holes to go exploring, that you feel you have healthy ways to cope with any emotions that may arise, and a good support system. Quality over quantity for coping and support! I hope this is one step closer into unburdening your shame. You deserve to be well. You deserve to reclaim your feelings. You deserve ease. You are worthy of it all.
