Anticipatory Grief: 25 Ways to Support in a Time of Helplessness

What is Anticipatory Grief? When we anticipate that someone is going to die, it becomes a grief that you experience prior to someone actually dying. It’s….

When you see grief coming and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

The knowing, the waiting, the helplessness, the praying that a miracle might still exist just in time.

Losing someone slowly, again and again, each day.

The gratitude for time, for more time, for however long it lasts.

The good energy, the prayers, the sacred moments you get to be together.

After experiencing multiple losses that involved anticipated grief, I learned how to better show up for my loved ones. It has looked different each time, with each person I have lost. Their illnesses and reasons for dying were different. Some had more time than others, but I hope this list instills hope in you. Everything matters until the end, and how we show up can have tremendous effects long term on our own grief, how loved our people felt until the end, and how connected we remain until the end of ours.

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Anticipatory Grief - 25 Ways to Support in a Time of Helplessness

#1 You’ve got mail

Inspiration Mail - Yes, old school, handwritten letters. No matter the distance, receiving mail can feel like a special surprise to brighten someone’s day. Hand write a letter, send meaningful quotes on decorated paper, or send artwork to hang nearby.

Small things to show big ways you’re thinking of them.

What is your favorite uplifting quote that you like to turn to?

#2 Call

Just a good old fashioned phone call to hear each other’s voices. FaceTime if you can.

Try to call at a time when they may not answer, so you can leave a sweet voicemail for them to replay.

I lived across the United States when my Grandma was in her end stages of cancer. My mom told me that she would catch my Grandma replaying my cheerful voicemails over and over again in the kitchen. You truly have no idea how much meaning can be derived from just the comforting sound of a familiar voice.

#3 Marco Polo

I can’t say enough good things about this app. This kept my trio extra connected during some pretty tough times. We were able to leave video messages that could be accessible when it was most convenient. We shared a lot of joys, and a lot of hard news & updates through this app. If you’re feeling disconnected from loved ones during this pandemic, I highly recommend using it as a tool to reconnect.

#4 Talk about the normal things

Talk about the normal things, as well as the hard things. There’s a reason many of us have our “people.” We can help make someone feel comfort and “normal” during the hardest moments of their life.

#5 Get musical

Did you know that many people believe hearing is the last to go?

Sometimes we can be at such a loss of words, especially if we’ve lived an authentic life with our loved ones and have said all the things that could possibly be said.

Sing, play an instrument - whether you’re musical or not! Music has always been known to be such an incredible way to soothe and comfort.

And if you’re musically challenged like me, partner up with someone who excels in this area to help make you sound a little bit sweeter ;)

#6 Presence is the best present.

Be present.

If you can physically be there, be there. It’s certainly important to respect people’s wishes of visitors, especially during a pandemic, but if you can be an extra hand to hold or watch a movie together you’ll be glad you did.

Also, I’m aware for some, that seeing someone towards the end can be traumatic. Know yourself, know your loved one, and do what’s best for you both. In covid times, this may feel extra difficult if the decision is out of your control.

#7 A few of my favorite things.

Take videos of places your loved one may not be able to go. With the holiday season upon us, think of some of the best lights display you can capture, visit their favorite exhibit, botanical gardens, car shows, a football game….the list is endless when you start thinking about what your person loves and might be missing.

What sort of places/things remind you of your loved one?

#8 Send flowers

What’s your loved ones favorite flower(s)?

Don’t know? Either ask or send anything! The beauty in flowers is that I don’t think you really can go wrong with any type. What a lovely thing to wake up to each day.

#9 Gifts

If you were to open your eyes, what would bring you comfort or make you smile? Similar to flowers, if you know something is meaningful, why not gift something that could potentially bring comfort & something to show your presence, even if you’re physically unable to be there.

#10 Pictures

Sharing old memories can be hard when you realize there will no longer be future ones to hold together. But if you can, send or share pictures of happy times together. Create an album. The flood of nostalgia can be so heartwarming in the midst of a sad time.

#11 Donations

Make a donation in their name. Honor them by donating money or volunteering your time to something that was really special or meant a lot to your loved one.

Last year I donated my hair to make wigs for cancer patients. Some of my closest people have died from cancer and wearing a wig made them feel better about their appearance when their bodies were failing them. Our support can go on and on, to help support others.

#12 Taking Care of Caregivers

If you know someone in this role, offer to come over and help with daily activities - cleaning, errands, making meals, etc. Sometimes we can offer up support, but wait for others to ask what they need. The reality is, people are overwhelmed. The mental load is heavy and the emotional load is heavier. 

Asking for help can feel like another “to do” piled on the list. Sometimes you have to trust your gut, take a chance, and do things to help with the best intentions instead of waiting around.

#13 Food

Making meals has been a way to show love and help for ages. If you’re loved one is beyond the stages of being able to eat solid foods, think about meals you might be able to share with caretakers. Taking care of oneself and maintaining health can often fall to the side during this time.

#14 Respect their wishes.

They are dying, not you. If they need guidance, guide them. If they know their intentions, support them. This is not the time or place to interject your own beliefs, unless they are welcomed. Let your person know you plan to support them & honor them on their terms.

#15 Decorate for the Holidays

Simple things like adding lights around the room or setting up some holiday traditions can bring great joy. Even if holidays feel bittersweet for you, there are always those few things that make a person feel warm and cozy.

#16 Financial help

With today’s technology, it’s so easy to create a gofundme and help out with financial worries of those who are struggling. 

#17 Talk about their fears

This is the scariest time in someone’s life.

If you’re too afraid to talk about something, chances are your person is already thinking about it. Talk about their fears and worries as they approach the end.

My friend once told me before she died, that to everyone else she was dying, but to her - everyone was dying. Please don’t forget, they are losing everything and everyone.

Talk about the hard stuff, even if your voice cracks.

#18 Share silence

This quote from Pulp Fiction has always stuck with me.

“That's when you know you found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence.”

And I honestly have never found a better way to sum that up. ✨

Your person doesn’t need you to show up with miracles & magic & revelations in every encounter.

They just.need.you.

#19 Express yourself

Let them know what they mean to you - Don’t wait until the very end. And if you have, or if you’re someone who has regrets - allow it to be a lesson to express your love to those that mean the most to you. Take advantage of time.

#20 Remember who they are

Your person is still your person, even when they already feel gone.

It’s hard not to be affected by things that may happen towards the end of someone’s life, but we cannot define someone by their suffering.

Remember your person in ways they would want to be remembered. And remind yourself that your person is still in there, loving you, in all the ways they can, until the very end.

#21 Outside

If you can get outside, let Mother Nature do its healing work.

Can’t? See if your person can be placed near a window to still feel connected to the snow falling or the sun shining.

#22 Just do it

It can be overwhelming having everyone ask what they can do. Sometimes the support comes in strong, then fizzles out when it’s needed most.

So just do it. Whatever your idea - show up, help, and support.

#23 The Power of Touch

It can feel quite difficult if someone gets to the point where they need help with basic skills that once used to come so easily.

Find ways to make someone’s life easier and provide soothing moments.

Hold them close
Paint their nails
Trim their beard
Braid or brush their hair
Massage their feet
Rub and hold their hands

Never underestimate the power of touch from a loving heart.

#24 Travel

If you have time on your side, make the effort. Find the money, book the adventure, and don’t waste time with second guessing. The residual from the pandemic may make that incredibly challenging still, so consider quarantining and planning a fun and relaxing staycation, or airbnb rental with a great view. All that matters is being together.

#25 Love

Love so intensely and let faith guide you in staying connected with your loved one.

You are doing the best you can,

in some of the hardest moments of your life.

Keep going.
Keep showing up.
Keep loving so fiercely.

Sending so much love & healing energies your way this Holiday Season,

Amber