The Emotional Regulator
If you have been a parent throughout the recent global pandemic, had a death loss occur in your life, and are warding off sicknesses left and right ~ You are…exhausted!! Raising tiny humans is one of the hardest jobs, but it’s incredibly challenging when you yourself are going through something emotionally heart wrenching. Being the emotional regulator of the household can feel overwhelming. It can feel like there’s no space for you or your emotions. It can feel like the day to day tasks and needs drown any limited capacity to let it all out.
I can remember when the pandemic hit, I had a 5 month old daughter and 2 year old son at that time. It was only a few months later that my best friend’s health rapidly declined. And then a few more months later she was gone. Then 6 months later we were all opening an old wound, attending a delayed memorial due to the pandemic restrictions. And less than a year after my best friend died, my Grandma also died unexpectedly, following a surgery that was supposed to extend and improve her quality of life, not take it away.
This whole time I was expected to get out of bed, emotionally regulate myself enough to take care of 2 tiny humans, and then also emotionally regulate them as well.
It was so tough.
It’s really hard to have death and other life experiences take away from how you want to show up as a person, as a mom/dad, wife, etc. How could I pretend like I wasn’t affected by 2 significant deaths, on top of so much other loss?
This is when I really started embracing the idea of accepting that all I could do was try and get myself as close to ‘baseline’ as possible. It didn’t stop me from mourning, or randomly crying throughout my days as a SAHM who was working part-time. It didn’t stop me from having days where I felt completely overwhelmed, or losing my patience. But, it did eventually lead me to take better care of myself. Instead of a glass of wine at nighttime, I found myself hopping on the treadmill in the middle of a chaotic day to release the stress of it all. I leaned into healthier coping during that time and took time away any chance I could get it. I leaned into asking for help more, which was incredibly limited during a pandemic. I leaned into playing with my kids, in hopes that my reward would be an extended period of quiet and time to myself. (Although, it didn’t always work out that way in those younger months.) I did a lot of repair during that time, as I felt myself escalate quickly. I could feel the build up of physical intensity inside of me. Holding, building, ready to explode.
And of course, you know who would have been the best person to bring me calm during that time? My best friend who had just died. It reminded me of how much I was missing out of my life, and here I was with these 2 tiny little humans who I loved so much, and I was just, so sad.
The thing about trying to keep ourselves regulated, is that it doesn’t wipe away emotional pain, but it can help prevent emotions from escalating to a place of complete and utter overwhelm. If you feel the tension building in your body, just like I was feeling, it becomes important to pay attention to how things are making you feel in the moment.
Did that rest make me feel better or does my whole body still feel charged/stressed?
Did that jog alleviate physical tension or add to my exhaustion?
Did scrolling social media help me escape for a little bit, or do I just have less patience now?
When we become aware AND THEN responsive to how things actually make us feel, we can then become better at choosing what we need in the moment. Here’s some suggestions for what to try if you’re having a difficult time getting close to your regulated emotional baseline.
Stressed? “Relaxed bodies can’t be stressed bodies.” Choose an activity that relaxes the muscles in your body, like a massage or hot bath, or something that actually expels the energy out of your body like a brisk walk or bike ride. Bonus points if you combine the two!
Overwhelmed? Do nothing. Put distractions away. Take a nap/Go to sleep. Overwhelm is the accumulation of stress with no return. Your body and brain are in ‘quit mode’ and refusing to go on. The best way to help reset? Simply DO NOTHING. You will not have the ability to be productive, so just let it go.
Brain Fog? Rest if you’re lacking it. Get out into nature to breathe some fresh air with a nice walk. Read a book or listen to a podcast. Choose simple (uninterrupted) stimulation for your brain to recharge.
Lonely? See that friend, or attend that class you wanted to go to. Let go of guilt if you’re leaving the kids behind and pay attention to how much patience you will have gained from stepping away a few hours.
How did your body and mood feel before?
How does it feel after?
Our bodies hold a lot of important information. When we pay attention, we can start to be more mindful of how to better help ourselves when we need it most.
You got this.
