When Hope is a Mask

Have you ever found yourself repeatedly frustrated with one or both of your parents?

Have you ever felt disconnected from them?

Did that leave you feeling pretty isolated in your own home growing up?

It can be incredibly frustrating as an adult to start recognizing patterns of dysfunction, abuse, or neglect growing up. This can be the parent who always yelled to “communicate,” or the parent who was completely out of touch with your needs, or the one who was there but never really felt present.

These relationships become even more difficult when you want to learn more about what was going on, to heal, grow, and connect, but realize your parent has little to no capacity to do that. Our attachment to parents (or any caregivers), is one that quite literally keeps us alive. We need those people to teach us how to regulate our emotions, our bodies and behaviors, and give us a sense of safety.

But, what if you never experienced that?

Many have felt they have had numerous conversations or attempts with parents and it feels like they are just beating their heads against the wall. They want change, but struggle with creating new boundaries to keep themselves sane in the process.

So, why keep trying?

Part of the fear in creating boundaries with parents, is the fear that a parent might not show up at all once boundaries are established. Adult children want the relationship, but need the boundaries to help support themselves in feeling safe emotionally. All the cyclical frustration, disappointment, expectations, are all covers for Hope.

Hope deep down that it will get better, while some already know even deeper down, that it won’t. But when we hold on to hope, it suspends us in a place of thinking there is possibility. The only way to know is to have those conversations, create new boundaries, and begin to define what you really desire out of that relationship. The scary part? We really can never truly know how that parent is going to respond to all of that. There is an inevitable process of going back to the drawing board and boundaries being challenged. There is an inevitable part of the process that requires you to show up and sit in discomfort ~ this is where any good, worthwhile transformation happens, with or without your parents on board.

We cannot force parents to deal with their traumas. We cannot force parents to deal with the root cause of their own toxic or dysregulated patterns. When you have tried all that you could to heal what felt so broken in the parent-child relationship, sometimes people start to pull their hope down.

Maybe they’re able to see their parents hardships and accept their limitations within their relationship.

Maybe they cut off all forms of communication because it is just too painful.

Maybe they mourn the relationship they realize they likely will never have.

The deep healing work occurs when you’re able to seek out the root of those childhood (& adult) needs within yourself, and from others that care and are willing to show up and do the work along with you.

It’s often a bittersweet journey, with mourning involved ~ of time you’ll never get back, or a relationship that will never look as you want it to. The sweetness lies in breaking free from the chains that have held you back from letting others love you in the way you deserve.

Remember, you can only go as far in a relationship as the other person is willing to go.

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Feeling confused & overwhelmed about where to even begin processing all of these relationship dynamics? Feel free to reach out if you’re interested in doing therapy with me & you won’t have to do it alone! Also, check out my recent blog about boundaries for more insight.