Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
‘Boundaries’ is a word that (hopefully) you’ve been hearing more about lately. But, what the heck is a boundary?
Ever been in a situation & you felt you had to keep your mouth shut, even though everything internally was screaming to say something?
Ever felt physically violated, or tolerated an inappropriate sexual comment?
Ever been repeatedly disrespected by a family member, but everyone shrugs it off as “that’s just how they are!”
Are you prone to people pleasing, even at the cost of your own energy & time?
Do you struggle with setting realistic expectations & schedules for yourself, which then leads to increased stress levels?
The common thread in ALL these scenarios is a physical and emotional discomfort, either in a situation, routine, or with another person. There is a constricted feeling within us that can signal it’s time for creating some boundaries.
Ok, so again, what IS a boundary?
A boundary is something that you decide you need to uphold to alleviate emotional and/or physical discomfort. It’s a commitment to yourself to establish rules, conversations, or new routine patterns, and stick to them. It’s challenging the status quo by saying, “HEY! This is just not working for me anymore.” The point of setting boundaries is to get out of that uncomfortable feeling that others may be causing you, or that you may be stacking on yourself.
The next time you’re struggling to find your voice, remember “No” can be a complete sentence all in itself. Sometimes the strongest boundaries require the least amount of explaining.
Sound really hard to do?
It can be! Setting boundaries often comes with discomfort. It’s learning how to effectively communicate what you desire/need/want to REALLY say to someone without getting super defensive, becoming passive, or trying to talk circles around yourself to sound more ’pleasant.’
I wish I could tell you things like therapy or the latest self help book will help you swipe clean all the discomfort in setting boundaries, but it won’t.
So, what CAN therapy do if I’m struggling to set boundaries, or even identify where I could benefit from having them?
Therapy is going to help highlight who and what areas of your life are causing the most distress. It might bring up other struggles, such as people pleasing and being passive, particularly if that leads into burning yourself out for others. Therapy will also help you navigate how to effectively communicate boundaries in conversations and practice things to say. Likely, this all may be very new to you & overwhelming to know where to start. It’s a space where if setting boundaries doesn’t go well with another person, you can go back to the drawing board and/or process whether or not that person is toxic to have in your life. There are typically a lot of layers and emotions that come up with establishing and navigating boundaries.
Sometimes there is mourning in setting boundaries. Sometimes setting boundaries means that not all relationships are going to respect what you need, which is obviously problematic.
The next time you find yourself with that feeling in your chest or lump in your throat, when you want to say something so bad and don’t - here’s your sign to let it out. Life is too short to keep washing down that piece of yourself that is internally screaming to come out. You deserve peace. You deserve respect. You deserve a life that better serves you so you can still show up for those who matter most.
Does this topic interest you and want to hear more about it? I’d love to hear from you & let me know!
amber@ambermarietherapy.com
