Managing Overwhelm as a Caregiver
When you’re a caregiver to someone who is terminally ill, there are rarely any days off. And the smaller your village is, the harder it is to find some respite throughout the days.
Not only are the physical demands tiring, but the emotional demands can take a greater hit. The expectation to function at normal capacity while experiencing emotional turmoil feels impossible. But, if you’ve been here, or are currently here now with someone you love, then you know that you have to keep going amidst the overwhelm.
So, with a ‘To-Do’ list that keeps coming, how do you sustain a totally unsustainable routine, while caring for someone you love?
I think it’s incredibly important for people to realize, that when you’re in periods of your life that feel like you’re operating in survival mode, you have to set realistic expectations. This is difficult because you’re restricted in what you’re able to do, how you’re able to regulate, and some of the usual go-to ways you might take care of yourself. So, I thought it would be helpful to share some insight and helpful ways to alleviate some of the mental load of caregiving.
1. Honing in on the best ways to regulate yourself. You may crave rest, but if your body has a built up supply of stress and anxiety, then trying to incorporate physical movement into your day might be necessary in trying to release some of those tensions. Or maybe it’s actually taking time to do something intellectually stimulating during a time with minimal interruptions, in order to active other areas of the brain. The point is - however you choose to care for yourself - pay attention to how it makes your body feel. Once you know what’s best to alleviate your current stress, then it’ll be much easier to pull on next time you need it. The goal in regulating yourself isn’t striving for happiness, but trying to remain as close to your baseline as possible. It’s unrealistic to expect yourself to feel joyful all the time while taking care of someone dying. But, if you’re able to have moments of self regulation that keep you closer to your baseline, this is going to help ward off dipping into a deeper pocket of depression that will feel harder to climb out of.
2. Meal prep. I get it, you’re exhausted and who in the heck has time for this? Hear me out - What you put into your body is going to have a domino effect on your physical health, your mood, your quality of sleep, and digestion. So, if you can do one thing that’s accessible, meal prep yourself some healthy meals that will be easy to grab or heat up. Batch cooking when you have moments of energy is the best way to do this. Put stuff in the freezer. Have things you can take out with minimal effort. It’s also one less thing you have to devote mental energy to on a daily basis. Your future self will thank you.
3. Asking for help. The least popular opinion for many, I know. Many of us are so conditioned by society to feel that independence is superior to having a community of support. Not asking for help is basically the equivalent to prolonging your own suffering. Get out of your own way. If you have family and friends offering support, take them up on the offer. If you don’t, try seeing if your insurance covers any help in this area for a caretaker who might be able to sit in a few hours a week to alleviate some of the responsibilities. Looking into an end of life/death doula can also be a great benefit to you and your loved one dying. I know that some may not be in a position of having a wide circle to rely upon, and leaning into other areas of supporting yourself are going to be even more important than ever. With therapy being more accessible virtually, there are also great options for making sure you’re supported with a built in outlet each week.
4. Know that you’re doing enough. The guilt during the waiting can feel tremendous. “Am I doing enough? I need to be doing more. Are they comfortable? I feel terrible I just felt annoyed at them. What else can I be doing to make their last moments feel good?” There is no guide book for anticipatory grief. Just as everyone’s experience coming into this world is different, so is everyone’s experience leaving this world. You have to zoom out and look at the whole picture. Have you loved each other well? There’s a reason why you are one of their caregivers. Only some of the most important people are the ones that get the honor and tragedy of comforting a loved one in their dying days. It’s painful and there’s no way around the pain. By taking care of yourself as best as you possibly can, considering the circumstances, you will be exactly what your person needs you to be.
You are doing the best that you can. Anticipating grief and death is complicated and emotions can feel unpredictable. Even those who are capable of operating in ‘go mode’ will eventually hit a point where it no longer feels sustainable. Knowing you are supporting yourself in the best ways you can is going to not only help yourself & your loved one in the moment, but after you’ve held your person to the end of their life, you will still be able to take care of yourself in times you need it most.
