How To Write A Eulogy
The eulogy. Oof.
I remember before my best friend died, she had asked if I could write one of her eulogies for her celebration of life. Of course I would, but I thought to myself, “How in the heck am I ever going to make it through reading this in front of everyone?!” Anxiety was soaring, especially as it got closer to actually having to share my words, out loud, with everyone looking at me. And to do all this while grieving.
I’ve since written a couple eulogies and I want to share what has been helpful in the process, in hopes that it will be helpful in your own process. Please remember, all “guidelines” are merely suggestions. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to do these things. What matters most is asking yourself, does this feel meaningful to my person who has died and does this feel meaningful to me & our relationship?
Consider These 5 Things on How to Write a Eulogy:
These Are a Few of Our Favorite Things:
What are the things you loved most about them? What will you miss? What were they known for? How did they make you feel? Did they have favorite interests or things they enjoyed doing?
Having a portion dedicated to nostalgia is important in any eulogy. If you’re up there speaking, then you likely knew that person better than most. Speak to what they’ll be remembered for, whether it’s their love of horror movies, playing an instrument, being the best listener, making the most delicious cakes, or always being up for a spontaneous adventure. These are the things about this person that will be impossible for anyone else to ever take the place of, something so unique to them and your relationship with them.
Laugh it out:
Is there an early memory you can share of them? Maybe a story everyone has heard a hundred times, but never gets old?
Depending on your personality, don’t be afraid to include some humor. Many associate grief with always being doom and gloom, but there are also many pockets of joy in our memories of loved ones. Sharing joyful moments is also typically how people want to be remembered. It’s ok if you’re laughing and crying all in the same day, or even the same moment!
Facts, Lyrics, Poems, Blessings, & Quotes:
If you’re really struggling with writing, start with the facts. Sometimes information that feels more concrete, like where someone was born, grew up, their roles within their family, etc. can be relevant and a way of just getting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) to get creative juices flowing.
There’s also a reason why things like song lyrics and poetry move us. Sometimes others just have a more eloquent way of saying how we feel. And that’s okay to incorporate that into your eulogy. Those things also tend to resonate deeply with others as well.
Others Input & Insight:
A eulogy can feel like a BIG ask! Whether your loved one explicitly asked you to write one prior to them dying, or whether you know it just makes the most sense for you to write one because of your relationship with them, it’s ok to ask others to share memories for inspiration on what to write. If there are others who were close to your loved one, you could even collaborate and stand by each other for support during the reading of the eulogy. There’s so much we tend to isolate and do on our own, but this doesn’t have to be one of them.
It’s ok to cry, You won’t be the only one:
Don’t waste your energy on trying not to cry. If it’s going to happen, you certainly won’t be the only one. It’s not always a comfortable feeling to allow others to witness vulnerability, but this is certainly a unique situation where everyone is having similar feels. It’s also ok if you don’t cry! You are not heartless or anything terrible. Grief does not equate to crying all the time. Sometimes emotional fatigue, numbness, or shock sets in and it becomes difficult to constantly feel such intense emotions 24/7. This is normal.
Remember, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ don’t factor into grief. There are merely suggestions and traditions as to how these things get done. Ultimately, you know your person best and trust that whatever makes sense to you, will be the right way to do it. If your loved one was someone so close to you that it’s painful to even speak about your loss, also consider writing it yourself and asking someone else to read on your behalf, or just to stand beside you. Don’t underestimate the power of support. Whatever you choose, it’s okay. You got this, and what an honor to love someone so much.
