It’s More Than Just Loss

Have you ever wondered why grief feels so hard? Let’s state the most obvious reason that we all know - losing someone you care about is gut wrenching, and the closer you are to that person who has died, the more it affects every aspect of your life and day-to-day living.

This article is more than just that though.

So many clients that I see initially present looking for grief therapy. The death of a loved one just feels too overwhelming and it’s spilling into all areas of life. How could it not? The grief is at the source of all that feels misaligned. But is that the only thing? It’s pretty common once we start diving into more sessions, that what’s going on is often more than just loss.

Have you ever felt an emotion so intensely, but could feel yourself holding it in?

Have you ever wondered how some people seem to feel and integrate loss into their lives after a period of time, but you just seem to feel so stuck in it?

Sometimes the grief feels like the biggest thing in the room. Other times, it can feel like so many other things are standing in the way, restricting grief from running its natural, unpredictable, wonky course that it will inevitably take. People often come to realize that although feeling ‘stuck in grief’ is to be expected, there are often other variables prolonging suffering. Throughout my years as a therapist, here are some common things that come up for my grievers.

Lack of support & understanding

This is HUGE. Without support, grief can spiral you into a deeper sense of isolation. Sometimes even the most well intentioned friends and family may still feel like they fall short. This is why grief support groups and communities talking about death can feel so validating and connecting. When you’re going through your worst moments, there may always be times you need to process stuff on your own, but overall we are built for connection and community. Having support makes all the difference in the world in healing.

Growing up emotions were shut down or dismissed

Whew - this is a sad one to process for anyone who comes to this realization in therapy. When someone shuts down your emotions or dismisses them away every time they come up, it can start to create a significant safety wound around emotional expression. The message becomes simple and internalized: your feelings are too big and that’s not acceptable here. The REAL truth? Your feelings were never too big, but it was the other person who became too uncomfortable, or was not emotionally equipped to be there for you in the ways you needed. Read that again. I know some of you need to hear that and I’m so sorry that was your experience.

Your role was to be aware of everyone else’s needs, at the cost of sacrificing your own needs

To the ‘parentified child’ who took on roles of adulting and responsibility far too young, to my people pleasers who put everyone else’s needs first - it can be SO hard to sit with your own emotions when there just wasn’t space for them growing up. It can feel so difficult to create space and believe your feelings are valid. They are valid. This work often feels uncomfortable at first, but so liberating when you’re able to connect more with your emotional experiences and live more authentically as yourself.

Trauma, loss, and attachment

Experiencing a death loss can trigger A LOT. Maybe loss brings up your experiences around other past losses. Maybe you witnessed suffering that made you feel helpless. Maybe loss became triggering because the attachment with that person oscillated between love and toxicity. Maybe loss activates feelings of guilt. Sometimes loss is just enough to send you over the edge, resulting in relationship difficulties, increased anxiety & fears around death, or feeling overwhelmed with work pressures. A succession of deaths can also trigger system shut down, where it all becomes too much to take in at once. Loss can also rip away your primary support system, when the person you would normally turn to for comfort & support, is gone.

Sometimes grief is just grief. Sometimes it brings a lot of other stuff to the surface. Sometimes the grief is new, still so fresh from just happening, and other times, many years or even decades later, the grief can still feel just as consuming. Grief has a way of cracking someone open and putting all the pieces on full display. It also creates this terrible, unwanted opportunity to really reflect on what’s going well in your life and what is not. It might highlight more painful memories that have occurred throughout your life and different relationships. I promise you, you are not alone in feeling this way. Often a journey of healing in grief can offer up the opportunity to begin healing from a multitude of other things. Remember, you’re not expected to do all this alone.

*If this article resonates with you & you live in or near Bucks County, Pennsylvania - I am offering an in-person grief support group starting on 9/12/23. ‘Stuck in Grief’ will be a smaller, intimate group to not only help you feel supported in your loss, but also the unique experiences attached to your own personal grief that may be coming up for you. Email me at amber@ambermarietherapy.com with any questions, or click on the ‘Get Started’ link to sign up.